I have a confession, lest anyone out there on the internets has the mistaken impression that I have this whole body-acceptance-love-yourself-damn-the-culture thing down.
At least once a day, I think about how I would be prettier if I were thinner.
I squelch it, sometimes immediately, sometimes not so quickly, depending on that day’s particular frame of mind. Some days I fight a constant battle against it. The thoughts range in intensity from the vague “these pants would look better if my stomach were flatter” to the full-blown “I am a hideous giant monstrous blob and no one will ever love me”.
I sincerely believe that beauty does not have to fit the narrow definition that we hold as a culture. I sincerely believe that all of the messages I received about size and beauty while I was a a child and an adolescent are lies and don’t deserve a passing thought. I sincerely believe that my size is not a determining factor of my worth as a human being or my aesthetic value. But despite all those beliefs, still, at least once every day, that thought springs unbidden and unwelcome into my mind.
I’m not proud that I still think this way, but I’m not beating myself up over it either. That would be pretty ironic; to beat myself up over failing to adequately stop beating myself up. After spending the better part of the last twenty years consumed with the conviction that I was hideous and flagellating myself over my weight and my appearance in general, I am actually pretty proud of the actual scarcity of those thoughts now.
Someday, God willing, I might have a daughter, and I would rather her not have to fight this battle. I want her to live in a world where she can feel beautiful no matter what the shape of her body, the color of her hair or skin, or the trendiness of her clothes. Ideally, I want her to live in a world where her appearance is only a tiny part if her, where she is valued for her talents, her mind, and her spirit far more than her body. I will keep fighting those thoughts and telling anyone who will listen about body acceptance so that in her world, the thought “I would be prettier if I were thinner” is as fictional as Spongebob Squarepants.
Of course you still do! I think to a certain extent we all do. We do still have to deal with the daily pressure that the media and peers place on us. I read these blogs every day now, just to hang on to some vague hope of staying sane!! Thank you all for writing them!
At least once a day, I think about how I would be prettier if I were thinner.
Meh. I’d be lying if i said the thought never came to my mind from time to time. For me, it’s the difference between knowing something intellectually and knowing something emotionally. Intellectually i know that my weight is irrelevant to the sort of person i am, the person i choose to be… but emotionally? Sometimes i get fed up with the whole thing and just imagine how much “better” my life would be if i were skinny.
It really does happen to the best of people. The grass is always greener on the other side… but maybe we ought to question more what it’s being fertilized with.
I always think of body acceptance as being a journey, not a destination. In an ideal world, we would all be totally self-accepting 100% of the time. But life happens and nasty people happen and media brainwashing happens – and do we have bad days, all of us. And having bad days doesn’t invalidate the progress you have made or your ideals and convictions. As you say, it’s not something to beat yourself up over. Not at all.
I always think of body acceptance as being a journey, not a destination.
Well said. When you’ve been brought up to internalize thinness is a state next to godliness, it’s very very difficult to deprogram yourself, especially in a culture that continues to reinforce and promote a body image disordered kind of message.