Fashion magazines are my kryptonite, particularly In Style. I usually avoid them in the grocery store Target (let’s be realistic, I hardly ever buy groceries), but sometimes they are just too tempting. I love clothes, and I am constantly looking for new ways to put them together, or fun ways to accessorize. My brain occasionally becomes a random outfit generator, and often I will wake up in the middle of the night with some magnificent idea about how I could put clothes together.
Were you to consult with me in real life, this particular interest would not be readily apparent, since on an average day I wear jeans or corduroys and a plain shirt or sweater. I love sleep, I hate to get up in the morning, and I have to be at work veryveryvery early every day and putting anything creative together is more effort than I am into at 6 am. There’s another reason though, a much more insidious reason that I have recently started to recognize and acknowledge.
There is a poster on my classroom wall that says “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.” I could add a statement to that: Courage is what it takes to be a size 26 woman wearing a short skirt (or sleeveless top or big flashy jewelry) in a world that thinks she should hide. Looking at a fashion magazine, it is easy to picture fun, creative outfits, but it is less easy to face the inevitable scrutiny and judgment that one is bound to face when you are twice or thrice the size of a fashion model. It takes courage to face the internal dialogue experienced in front of the mirror, the one that tells you that some other pants would be more slimming and that your arms are too jiggly and that your face is too round to wear earrings like that. It all comes back to shame: as fat women, we are supposed to be ashamed of our bodies. We are supposed to hide, so that no one is subjected to seeing something as offensive as big calves or upper arm fat. We are supposed to hide, because we are supposed to be ashamed to even exist. It takes courage to rebel against all the supposed tos and be a beautiful fat woman. Some days I don’t have the courage.
Today I wore a short skirt and a black sweater with tweed Chuck Taylors and earrings that dangle to my shoulders, and I have felt the difference all day. I am better person when I get up with my alarm and find the strength to wear the clothes I want to instead of the ones I am supposed to, and that might actually be worth getting up 15 minutes earlier.
[...] apparel post by erin for Clothing [...]
[...] erin wrote an interesting post today on The cowardly clothes lion.Here’s a quick excerptLooking at a fashion magazine, it is easy to picture fun, creative outfits, but it is less easy to face the inevitable scrutiny and judgment that one is bound to face when you are twice or thrice the size of a fashion model. … [...]
You’re right… it does take a lot of courage to be yourself. We as Americans have some pretty strange views about appearance, and most of these views are unfounded. It takes a lot of work to have confidence in the face of people who think you shouldn’t.
I applaud you for the days you *do* have the courage to rebel… and also for the day’s you don’t. It just means you’re human, and you know your own limitations.
Glad today was a good day.
Lee (The Veggie Guy)
Good for you. Bravo!!!
I loved clothes so much that I took three years of high school home economics to learn how to sew(my mom was an outstanding seamstress but short on patience). My first year of college I majored in fashion merchandising. I’m 47 but still very interested in fashion and clothing.
Thank goodness you younger girls and women are starting to have more choices in fashion. The over 40 crowd still has very little…especially in my size…22, 24,26, or 28.
Don’t let anybody get you down. You deserve to wear nice stuff and feel great about it!
Huge respect to you.
Your outfit sounds cute as hell. I’m totaly there with you. I have days when I feel awsome and wear something cute, and then I have days when I just want to wear jeans and a sweatshirt and be “that frumpy fat woman”. This past summer was the 1st summer I wore sleevless tops and a bathing suit, in at least 5 or 6 years. It felt really good.
Pssst… your outfit has been by far my favorite in the monster “what are you wearing” thread so far.
You probably know about polyvore.com, but just in case you don’t, I’m letting you know. If you love clothes and new ways of putting them together, it is the bee’s knees.
I had a friend who went ballistic when I cut my hair really short because she said that short hair made fat women look fatter. This same friend always encouraged me to straighten my naturally wavy hair for the same reason, apparently curly/wavy hair makes fat women look fatter. I could never quite understand that logic, I think if I am fat (as I am) then my hairstyle really is irrelevant. I don’t think my hair is going to detract from the size of my thighs! It seemed to bother her more than it bothered me. She was a bit smaller than me at the time but not a lot. This summer (I am in the Southern Hem) I have been wearing sleeveless tops. I decided f**k it, I was wearing what I was comfy in. And the world didn’t stop turning and I haven’t been stoned in the street. Maybe there is hope after all…
I totally relate to this and I agree that I feel so much better about myself when I dress in clothing that makes me feel good. I’m all about black boot-cut stretch pants and a hoodie because I like being comfortable. When I wear Jeans with a blouse and some boots I feel attractive and self confident.
All it takes for me is jeans. Apparently, in this regard, I am low maintenance.
It’s funny you mention this. I don’t think of myself as someone who is into clothing or fashion trends at all. I was at one point in my life – and then I became fat. Wow. I don’t even think I realized the correlation between those two events until I just typed that. I am so used to thinking of myself as a “jeans and t-shirt type of girl” that I had almost forgotten that there was a time in my life (early teens) when I really enjoyed wearing bright things and putting together outfits.
I must still have a bit of a taste for fashion, because I freaking LIVE for dressing my 17 month old. It brings me a lot of satisfaction because she is this adorable little blank canvas – everything looks good on her. It’s been surprising, and pleasant, and fun.
I will add – I am frustrated by the limitations of being a plus size, just as far as choice goes. I know there are fat women out there who totally work it and they find cute, stylish clothes, but I don’t know if I’m motivated enough to really get out there and pound the pavement and find clothes that are really “me.” So I shop at Lane Bryant again and again, and I find myself thinking, “This will do.” Good for you for refusing to settle, Erin.
I have struggled with the same thing. Bought clothes and then returned them because they didn’t meet some weird rule fat girls are supposed to follow. Also, someone somewhere along the line told me a lot of rules about what color makeup/clothes you should wear if you have brown hair and eyes, and it kept me from certain colors for years! Now I’m trying to just do what I like and forget the haters. It’s actually a lot easier than I thought.
I’ve also become a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl since I’ve gained….oh…..50 pounds. It’s so hard to find clothes that meet these criteria: fit my body, camouflage lumps and bumps, are affordable and somewhat attractive and stylish. As a result I rarely buy clothes. And as a result, I rarely feel good in my clothing.
Kudos to you for wearing what you want. You’re right, it takes a LOT of courage.