My Improvisational Life

There are two ways to look at every person.

Way number one is all about judgment. You see, say, a person standing on a corner holding a “will work for ____” sign and decide that he is either some sort of shyster attempting to swindle people out of their money or he is lazy and is homeless because he refuses to work. In this scenario, you drive by and never give him another thought.

Way number two involves what I’ll call sympathy, or giving people the benefit of the doubt, or maybe compassion. In the sympathetic way of thinking, you drive past that same man and realize that yes, he might be a con artist, but he also might be legitimate. He might have medical problems that keep him from holding a job. He might be struggling with unmedicated depression. He might, he might, he might…so you go through a drive through and hand him a cheeseburger, or you give him the wrapped up leftovers from your $15 dinner, and you thank God that as hard as your life might be, chances are it is easier than that guy’s.

I’ve spent spent a lot of my life in mode #1, as do many of the the people who were most influential in my formative years. It’s easy when you come from a place of privilege (and yes, white middle class is definitely privilege) to believe that everyone else’s problems are no one’s fault but their own, and therefore solving those problems is as easy as 1-2-3 magic. Homeless? Just get a job and *poof* all will be well. No one would ever put it that simply, but that is the expectation in many minds. Homeless because you are lazy, then no more lazy, ipso facto no more homeless. If all fat people are fat because they eat too much and exercise too little, then they just need to eat less and exercise more. It’s like magic!

Judgment mode is such a simple place to be. It’s an easy way to think. Life is complex, but it is far less mentally taxing to disregard that complexity and judge based on clear-cut, black and white rules. It is far easier to pigeonhole than it is to think.

It’s really too bad that the easy road is so exceptionally flawed.

Life is not simple. Not all homeless people are lazy. Not all fat people eat junk all day. Not every thin person exercises and “eats right”. For every A student who studies and works hard for her grades, there are two coasting on raw intelligence and charm. The universe is indescribably complex, and human beings, who both have free will and are constantly acted upon by forces beyond their control, are even more complex. Complexity leaves no room for judgment.

One of the hard truths of human existence is that none of us know as much as we think we do, and judging other people makes us feel for a moment as if we were omnipotent. In that moment, when I decide that a fat woman is lazy or stupid or eats 549538797 calories in donuts a day, or when I see someone’s blue hair and facial piercings and decide they are a troublemaker and a junkie, I get to pretend I am God. When I withhold judgment, it means admitting to myself that I don’t know, and that is humbling and scary. Showing compassion requires great strength of character, and a willingness to step beyond yourself that most people choose not to exhibit.

That willingness, that not knowing, and learning to be ok with it, allowing other people to be themselves and giving them the benefit of the doubt when their life differs from mine, letting people out of the boxes we put them in and then destroying the boxes themselves, is a skill we as a species must learn. Otherwise, we can talk all me want about fighting racism, sexism, sizeism, and a million other isms besides, and for every one we destroy, two more will rise in its place. Compassion is our only hope.